A Year in Review - February (The month that changed my life forever!)

February came, and along with it, a swirl of real life mixed in and my "&" was tested to its absolute limits. 

The month started with a weekend of a lifetime as one of my friends and I were unbelievably blessed with the opportunity to attend the IF:Gathering in Austin.   This was such a heart stirrer - asking the question, "If God is real then..." Wow!!! 
Needless to say, our heads and hearts were in full motion as we left from the fullness of all that we'd taken in and been a part of.

And on top of that, I got to meet a gal that I have admired from afar for several years - stating many times that she so often blogged or tweeted what was in my head and on my heart, Susie Davis. I'm not usually one that finds herself star struck, for lack of a better term, but this time I geeked out to a whole new level! I don't even know that I spoke. It was more like I sat there with a geeked out cheesy grin on my face and awkwardly giggled the whole time. (I may or may not have requested that the rapture happen at that very moment to save me from myself!)

I was having a blast unpacking my mind, opening my heart for how God was going to use me, preparing for the purchase of my new to me home, planning with friends all of the "cute" things we were going to do with it, talking with contractors regarding the few upgrades I wanted to do before moving in, packing and just living life.... then.... the phone call came...

Dad called me during work hours -- never a good sign as "work is not a time for personal business".  I could barely understand a word he was saying, but I got mom... ER... coded... doesn't look good...room is full of all sorts of doctors... COME NOW! I'd gotten several calls before regarding ER visits for her, she suffered from COPD for years, but usually a bit after the fact and always with the "Hold tight. I'll update you later message".  This one was different and there was no doubt in my mind, I had to be there asap.

I was on the road in seconds. When I got to the hospital, in Bryan - 2 hour drive later (give or take and with possible, though not proven, speed limit violations) - my mom was in CCU, on a ventilator and heavily sedated, but alive much to my surprise and relief all in one. My dad and I both discussed how upset she would be if she was to wake and learn she had been put on the vent. (She had made her wishes clearly known after an episode the previous year) 

The next day, she was awake and coherent enough to respond to questions. I asked he if she was ready to fight through this, as I had several times before, and she shook her head violently NO. I asked if she wanted the vent removed and she gave a clear YES. I asked if she knew what that would mean for her and she nodded yes looking me straight in the eyes. After discussion with my dad and her doctor, who was as close to her as any doctor could be after all these years, it was mutually agreed upon that the vent tube would be removed the following day. This seemed to settle her substantially. She slept for most of the rest of the day. Never one to back down when she was on a mission, this was no exception.

This very day was also my granddaughter's 2nd birthday and the day before I was to close on my house. (thankful for my agent who did the final walk through for me and moved the time on my closing so that I could be done first thing in the morning!) 

What a surreal set of moments! 

My brain was in full "TILT" mode.

Part of me celebrated the past 2 years with the most precious child to walk the earth (and not just because she's MY granddaughter!) 

Another part of me was internally excited about the big girl purchase that she was making in less than 24 hours, yet sorta felt guilty being excited about anything.

Yet another part of me felt secure in that this was in honor of my mom's wishes demands shared vehemently with both my dad and with me and pretty much anyone else who would listen. (Bless!) 

The deep in my heart part, the daughter that loved her, just wanted her Mommy for a while longer thank you very much. Yes, even though there were times when my precious "Edith Bunker" would drive even me to want to yell, "Stifle!", I wanted her to get better and stay on earth a while longer. Truthfully, at that moment, I was a little girl that wanted nothing more than to lay my head in my mommy's lap and have her stroke my hair and make everything all better. Any other issues were no longer really issues.

All of my selves combined were a knotted ball of emotion on the inside, to put it mildly, but on the outside, I was keeping myself together for my dad, my Mamaw, who just kept asking again and again why it wasn't her in that bed, my niece, who'd just lost her daddy 2 years before, and my 2 boys that loved their Nana - even with all of her little quirks - to pieces. 

Another reminder of the &'s in my life- though I had to dig really deep to see them!!!!!

I can be sad on the inside & be a source of strength for my heartbroken family & celebrate my granddaughter's birthday & the purchase of my own home! 

My sweet Kyleigh - told you she was precious!!

My new to me house.

The closing on my house is a bit of a blur. I pretty much told my agent that this was a true test of faith in him as I wanted to sign and run. My aunt had looked over the final paperwork for me and assured me that all looked good too.  (I may have been stressed, but I am still an "i" dotter and a "t" crosser!) The minute I was finished, I flew back up the road to Bryan knowing the vent had already been removed earlier that morning and it was going to be just a matter of time. (I prayed the whole way there that I wouldn't be too late because I knew that nasty shame voice would have no problem telling me all the coulda, woulda, and shoulder's. - That voice doesn't visit as often as she used to, but would have had a hay day with this one!)

When I returned to the hospital, the CCU nurse let me in even though I had missed the cut off time for visiting by quite a bit. I walked into my mom's room and immediately heard a sound that once you've heard, you never forget... the death rattle. I walked up to her bed, not sure how I'd find her, but she was awake and looking right at me. I was able to share with her that I had closed on my house. With that she whispered in a weak, soft voice, "Good - make it pretty, OK?"  I promised her that I would and joked to her that I would be safe now from all of the rapist and murderers.  She smiled, acknowledging my teasing, and rolled her eyes at me. Incredible that as close to death as she was, she still had her sense of humor! 

When she drifted back to sleep, I heard her doctor in the hall, so I went out to him, just to confirm what I was hearing.  He asked if I had any medical training.  I laughed and replied with, "No, just lived life, sickness and death with a lot of people."  I then asked if he'd told my dad yet - which he had not.  He then asked if I thought it would be better for me to share the news or if I wanted him to.  I told him I wanted a few more minutes with my mom and that I would then call my dad in to tell him.  He said he'd hang around in case my dad had any questions and offered to move her down to the cancer floor where there would be less noise and a hospice-type setting with no interruptions, but help if we needed it.  

As I walked up to my mom's bed, she woke up, so I asked the question. "Mom, do you know what's happening to you?" She mouthed, "I'm dying." Through a flood of tears I asked, "Are you scared?" She shook her head no and pointed up.  I asked, "Jesus?" She nodded her head. I said, "Don't you worry." (she made a funny face at that statement because she'd be the first to admit that worry was her middle name) I told her that daddy and I would be OK and that I'd take care of him for her and that when she was ready to go be with Jesus to just run into His arms and not look back. She didn't say anything - just nodded. I was a huge pool of emotion and just let it flow.

A few minutes later, after regaining my composure thankfully,  my dad and aunt came into the room and I shared the news with daddy.  He then went over to my mom's bed and whispered something into her ear and just held her hand.  He may not be the most affectionate creature to walk the earth on a daily basis, but I will never forget the love that he showed to my mom during those last days! It was a precious gift to get to see just how much he loved her.

Over the next few hours we moved her into the hospice-type area and many, many family members came and held vigil in her room including both of my boys, Cameron and Caleb, and my niece, Hannah. Nana had her three grand babies - the joy of her life at her side.  She was on heavy morphine at this point, but acknowledged that they were all three there and was happy to have them there.

Soon it was evident that her precious gift of hospitality wasn't going to stop as long as there were visitors in the room nor was her rising anxiety, (Edith Bunker at her finest still!) so I graciously thanked everyone for being there, but asked them to leave so that she could settle down a bit. 

From that point on, it was just the three of us as it had been when they first adopted me. Jeff was in heaven and soon our mom would be joining him. Daddy was so weary, so I offered to stay up while he slept in the bed the hospital had provided for him.  Finally, he gave into his exhaustion. 

I was in a chair at my mom's side and I whispered in her ear that everyone had gone, daddy was asleep and that she was stuck with her hard-headed daughter until the end, but that it was OK for her to go and rest with Jesus whenever she was ready. How I longed for an eye roll at this point, but the end was growing near and I didn't get the response I longed for. I recited some random scriptures to her and not much after that,  the rattle stopped. Daddy jolted to his feet without me having to say a word, I still think it shows the connection they shared, and we held her hands as she went onto Glory.  11:37 p.m. February 21, 2014. A moment I shall never forget. As painful as it was, I am so thankful to be at her side the very moment she saw Jesus face to face.

Audrey Elizabeth (Schroeder) Hejl - aka Mom, Nana

Yet another reminder of the &'s in my life!!! 

I can be utterly heart broken & celebrate my precious mother's home going at the very same moment because I knew of her faith in and love for Jesus.

Can I just be honest for a minute here? These "&"'s don't always come instantly for me. There are days that take me a while to process through, whine about, stomp my feet, scream "Unfair! Unfair!" and unpack fully.  What I am continuing to learn is that's OK, as long as I don't dive to the bottom of the pool with it and have a tea party, then all out drown in the middle of it. Work through the moment, but then reflect, pray for help finding the "&", talk it through with a trusted friend, whatever works for you, but trust me when I say, so far I've not been able to deny a single yuck an "&" and it's not for lack of trying!!!

In the midst of your greatest life challenges, are you able to see the "&"'s right away or do they come after time and processing? 

To be continued...

A Year in Review - January (And this is just the beginning!)

My last blog post was- 2013!?! What?!? I can't believe its been that long either! We've got lots to catch up on, so let's jump right back out on the limb together!

It is now February 2015 and I find myself reflecting on 2014. Everybody does this in December/January, so I waited until February for effect. (I like living life on the edge that sort of way!)

Because 2014 was such an event-filled year, I am breaking it down into multiple posts to save your eyes and maybe to entice you to keep coming back for more. 

The year started out the way the past couple of January's have. The 5th marked two years since the sudden passing of my younger brother, Jeff. I can honestly say that I found myself missing him more than I thought I would be two years later. So many times I thought of something that would be funny between the two of us, picked up the phone to text him, only to remember that he's no longer here. It doesn't happen as often as it did at first, but the times that it does makes me miss him all the more!  

Three days later, on the 8th of January,  I celebrated my 45th birthday. My mood has been different than before Jeff died, as we buried him on my birthday in 2012. Birthdays were always a huge deal to me, a day of guaranteed happy, but because of the reminder, I'd grown to dread mine. Thankfully, I've been blessed with wonderful friends that continue to love me through, and sometimes in spite of, the grief. 

One friendship was totally put to the test as I was 8 days into a 21 day juice only time of prayer and fasting. Instead of going out for a big birthday dinner, she treated me to an outing at a juice bar and movie instead. She was obviously not a fan of the juice, but the night could not have been more special. That beautiful example of love and sacrifice to honor me and to help me celebrate my special day went down in the remember forever files for sure! 

Such a beautiful reminder of the &'s in my life!!! 

I can grieve & have fun & be loved on by beautiful friends!

Midway through January, I met with a real estate agent to begin the search for a house to buy. I had been on my own for almost a year and decided it was time to put down some roots.  What a humbling experience! The wanter inside of me so hoped to buy a house in the southwest Austin area. This is where so many of my wonderful friends lived, it was close to my church home, etc., but I soon realized that my budget wasn't even large enough for places that looked like former crack houses! The wanter inside was so sad and may have even stomped her feet in frustration. Thankfully, another precious friend and her family, by default, took on the "find Darla a decent / cute / affordable home" project. Between their finds and my agent's, I looked at a plethora of houses in a very short amount of time. At one point, I had to start taking pictures to keep them all from becoming one continual house! We discussed updates, possible remodels, location, listened to the voice of reason (aka my friend's husband) and went out again and again and all while I continued to put in 40+ hours at work.  

I put in offers on a few, but with the housing market being at an all time high, there were multiple offers or mine was at an all time low with no room for change. Finally, after a family drive to Hays county for project "find Darla a home", I got a call that they had found a house that I needed to follow up on. Even though it was about as far from southwest Austin as I could have imagined, Kyle, it was a great and cute house and within my budget.  I put an offer in and it was accepted. Soon, I was given a closing date of February 21st. Woohoo! I shared the exciting news with my parents and my mom was totally thrilled. (She was not a huge fan of me living in an apartment because she said it wasn't safe as all rapes and killings happen in apartments! - only my sweet constantly worry-filled momma!!! ha-ha!) I was going to have a home of my own. 

Momma, I'm a big girl now!

Another reminder of the &'s in my life!!! 

I can be disappointed - even stomp my feet & continue to move forward & be loved on by beautiful friends!

So, here's my question for today:

What are some of the "&"'s in your life? 

To be continued...